Have you ever tried to get along with someone who constantly pushes your buttons? When it seems like everything they say and do is designed to annoy you on purpose? You might be right – they might be doing it on purpose. I`ve met people in the business world who thrive on throwing others off balance, sometimes to gain an advantage strategically, and sometimes just for the fun of the drama. You likely know a few characters that fit this description, either at work or in your personal life.
The great news is you can do something about it, and you can start right now. The bad news is it doesn’t involve proving your point, making them see the error of their ways (though it would be so very satisfying) or knocking them on the head (also tempting). The best strategy is to mentally step away from the situation as quickly as possible, and try to think about it differently. This takes the emotional charge out of your reactions, and puts you back in charge of yourself. When you step back in charge of your emotions and reactions, you do 2 things: you feel in control (such a relief) and you defuse the conflict.
How, you ask? To begin, in your mind observe a scene in which someone is trying to upset another person – maybe saying rude things, whatever. Now observe the second person – this person does not care. Nothing upsets them. Not only that, they are still wearing a smile inside – meaning they are still feeling content with life, and their place in it. That`s going to be you.
Next step: let`s try it with your real life. Now imagine the most recent situation with the person who pushes your buttons and makes you feel upset. As you are imagining, your body will be reacting the same way it does in real life, because it cannot tell the difference between imagining and reality. In your mind, pay very close attention to the sensations in your body as the dialogue is going on. The annoying person will be droning on, and you can be looking at them, but notice what your body is doing and what it is feeling. Your primary attention will always be on what sensations are in your body, not what is going on around you. Believe it or not, this is incredibly powerful. In paying attention to your body, you have removed attention from your angry/upset/irritated thoughts about this person – it is the thoughts about the person that are making you feel terrible. When you move your attention, you shift the power dynamic away from your thoughts (the real troublemakers) and into your core – where all your real power is. Nothing rattles you when you align with this. You can remain responsive to others and yet non-reactive.
Next step: don’t be drawn into a tug-of war about who’s right in the situation. If they are asserting a point you disagree with, just say in a neutral, lightly interested manner, "I`m interested in understanding where you`re coming from. Explain a bit more so I can understand." This always makes them happy, and often they will feel more open to another opinion afterward. And then......you must listen. Your response could be, "Maybe you`re right", or "Have you thought about looking at it from this other angle? What are your thoughts on that?" Or you might say, "Well I don’t agree but I do appreciate your point of view". By remaining non reactive, you have made dialogue possible – without having to agree. But many times, people will keep insisting on their point of view as the right one, no matter what you say. You must have the strength to let go of your need to prove them wrong in that situation; they won’t hear you anyway. And they may go off and feel right, and smarter than you, and ready to assert their point of view into others` faces too.
Just let it go.
Why would you do that? This is why: you never want to let someone else`s words or actions control the way you feel. You be in charge of that. You can retain your inner power and by so doing, you remain in charge of how you are feeling, how you are responding, and interestingly, you stand the greatest chance of influencing others by not "losing it". I have found that refusing to take the bait allows me to find something we can agree on, or opens the possibility of a new kind of conversation, or reduces their need to prove their point. But most important, it allows me to feel calm and centered no matter what the circumstance. What a relief that is!
The great news is you can do something about it, and you can start right now. The bad news is it doesn’t involve proving your point, making them see the error of their ways (though it would be so very satisfying) or knocking them on the head (also tempting). The best strategy is to mentally step away from the situation as quickly as possible, and try to think about it differently. This takes the emotional charge out of your reactions, and puts you back in charge of yourself. When you step back in charge of your emotions and reactions, you do 2 things: you feel in control (such a relief) and you defuse the conflict.
How, you ask? To begin, in your mind observe a scene in which someone is trying to upset another person – maybe saying rude things, whatever. Now observe the second person – this person does not care. Nothing upsets them. Not only that, they are still wearing a smile inside – meaning they are still feeling content with life, and their place in it. That`s going to be you.
Next step: let`s try it with your real life. Now imagine the most recent situation with the person who pushes your buttons and makes you feel upset. As you are imagining, your body will be reacting the same way it does in real life, because it cannot tell the difference between imagining and reality. In your mind, pay very close attention to the sensations in your body as the dialogue is going on. The annoying person will be droning on, and you can be looking at them, but notice what your body is doing and what it is feeling. Your primary attention will always be on what sensations are in your body, not what is going on around you. Believe it or not, this is incredibly powerful. In paying attention to your body, you have removed attention from your angry/upset/irritated thoughts about this person – it is the thoughts about the person that are making you feel terrible. When you move your attention, you shift the power dynamic away from your thoughts (the real troublemakers) and into your core – where all your real power is. Nothing rattles you when you align with this. You can remain responsive to others and yet non-reactive.
Next step: don’t be drawn into a tug-of war about who’s right in the situation. If they are asserting a point you disagree with, just say in a neutral, lightly interested manner, "I`m interested in understanding where you`re coming from. Explain a bit more so I can understand." This always makes them happy, and often they will feel more open to another opinion afterward. And then......you must listen. Your response could be, "Maybe you`re right", or "Have you thought about looking at it from this other angle? What are your thoughts on that?" Or you might say, "Well I don’t agree but I do appreciate your point of view". By remaining non reactive, you have made dialogue possible – without having to agree. But many times, people will keep insisting on their point of view as the right one, no matter what you say. You must have the strength to let go of your need to prove them wrong in that situation; they won’t hear you anyway. And they may go off and feel right, and smarter than you, and ready to assert their point of view into others` faces too.
Just let it go.
Why would you do that? This is why: you never want to let someone else`s words or actions control the way you feel. You be in charge of that. You can retain your inner power and by so doing, you remain in charge of how you are feeling, how you are responding, and interestingly, you stand the greatest chance of influencing others by not "losing it". I have found that refusing to take the bait allows me to find something we can agree on, or opens the possibility of a new kind of conversation, or reduces their need to prove their point. But most important, it allows me to feel calm and centered no matter what the circumstance. What a relief that is!
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